The Seven of Nine Show!
by Elly And The Gundam Wing Fan
Summary: The starship Voyager has an immensely weird couple of days. Probably not what you're thinking so give this fic a try!
1. Insane

Disclaimer:  Star Trek: Voyager belongs to Paramount… let us all bow our heads in respect of the greatest of the gods, Paramount.  Anyway, I do not claim to own any of the following copywritten material… except for Fluffy.  Fluffy is mine.  MINE I TELL YOU!  This is a bit long… hope you live through it.

The Seven of Nine Show

            Cue spastic music, blinking lights, and the Star Trek Voyager logo.  A bold, shaky font accompanies the wild display. It's the 'Seven of Nine Show!'  Starring:

**Seven of Nine!!!!**  (Yay!)

And some other guys…

            And now, for the 'Seven of Nine Show!'

            The scene began with a close-up of a drab mug, undoubtedly containing coffee.  As the camera panned outward, the image of Captain Janeway's hand could be viewed, clutching the mug possessively.

            "Captain's log," She announced to herself, staring out her ready room's window.  "Stardate: Two-oh-three-eight-six-three-four-seven-two-nine-oh-five-five-nine-oh-four-two-seven-eight-oh-five…" Janeway interrupted her speech, gulping at the coffee.  "Er-hem… three-five-two-oh-seven-nine-two-eight…"

            On the bridge of Voyager, the typical crew was at their posts, looking bored.

            "Maybe someone should tell her?" Harry Kim suggested to the others.

            "At this time in the morning," Tuvok replied blandly.  "It would be illogical to risk it.  Captain Janeway can be rather unfriendly before ingesting her first daily dose of caffeine."

            Everyone stopped what they were doing and cringed, considering the implications of irritating their coffee dependant captain.

            "That's true, but how are we going to tell _them_ that?" Tom gestured to a hostile ship floating outside the view screen.

            "Maybe if we ask reeeaaaaal nicely if they'll wait about half an hour?" Harry looked doubtful.

            A few glances were exchanged.  "Let's try it."

            "Hail them." Chakotay stood up, ready to address the aliens.

            An ugly (what else?) individual with far too much goopy creature make-up appeared onscreen, looking extremely cranky.  "Where is your captain?" It growled.

            "Er… she's sort of busy right now.  Could you wait about half an hour or so?" Voyager's first officer explained meekly.

            The creature looked blankly for an extended moment.  "…NO!  If you don't get her NOW we will be forced to initiate combat with your inferior vessel!!"

            "Well if you'd like to leave a message…"

            "…NO!  Don't you realize this is a serious threat?"

            "Oh yeah… end transmission."

            The alien onscreen disappeared and the warship was being viewed again.

            "They are correct in assuming their ship is superior." Tuvok began rambling.  "They appear to be serious."

            "Red-alert." Chakotay looked sick.  "We tried.  Let's tell the captain."

            "…two-oh-seven-eight-five-three-oh-six point two." Janeway ended the sequence triumphantly.  "Oh wait… that was yesterday." She sighed with annoyance.  "Captain's log.  Stardate: Two-oh-three-eight-six…"

            "Bleepy-bleep!" Her comm-badge chirped merrily.

            Janeway tapped the badge, irritation growing.  "What?"

            "Captain Janeway to the bridge… please?" Chakotay's voice said, via the comm-badge.

            "Do you people _ever_ stop to consider _I_ might be busy?" She responded angrily.  "And would somebody turn off those annoying blinking lights?  They're giving me a headache!"

            "We're at red-alert…"

            "That's no excuse!  Because of you, I'm going to have to start this whole log over, and let me tell you, today's date is a mouthful!"

            "Actually, we're about to be attacked, so if you…"

            "_See_?  _Nobody_ values my quiet time!" The captain seethed.  "Who is attacking us?"

            "They haven't told us… they want to talk to…"

            "Well, whoever they are, you can tell them they have seriously angered me and…"

            "They're bigger than us." The first officer argued.

            "How _dare_ you interrupt me?" Janeway's tone of voice grew dangerous.  "You wait right there _Commander_, so I can remind you to be _respectful_ to your superior!!"

            "That didn't go so well." Tom said unnecessarily.  "If I were you, I'd hide."

            "That would be a logical course of action." Tuvok agreed severely.  "We're being hailed again."

            "Why me?" Chakotay looked _really_ sick.

            Captain Janeway emerged from her ready room.  Her hair was in several shades of disarray, and as she marched to the center of the bridge everybody could see the murder in her eyes.  "Now _about_ interrupting me."

            "Should I respond to the hail, Captain?" Tuvok asked blandly.

            "What hail?"

            "The hail from the alien warship."

            "Oh yeah, them… just a minute." She focused her eyes on her first officer.  "_You_!"

            "Captain, they're firing weapons!" Tom said, alarmed.

            "Handle it, Lieutenant!" She roared.  "Now as for you!"

            The ship shook violently.  "We've taken a direct hit!" Harry exclaimed.

            "Shields are at sixty-seven percent." Tuvok informed hopefully.  "May I suggest you direct your attention to this crisis, Captain?"

            "Crisis?" The captain repeated sarcastically.  "Hail those fools!"

            "Onscreen."

            The alien was back, looking goopier and angrier than before.  "Ah… Captain Janeway I presume?"

            "You've got that right you (censored) (censored) (censored) freak!  You'd better get your (censored) (censored) (censored) (censored) _and_ your (censored) ship _out_ of here before I get _really_ angry!"

            The alien blinked shyly.  The connection was cut off.

            "Uh… they're retreating?" Tom rechecked his sensors.  "They're really retreating!  Nice work, Captain!"

            "Nothing to it, Lieutenant.  Now Chakotay." Janeway resumed her berating.

            "Yes?" Chakotay looked even _sicker_.

            "You're demoted to crewman and confined to the brig!"

            "Wha… for interrupting you?"

            "Maybe you'll think twice next time!  Tuvok, take him away!" She grinned maniacally and dropped into the captain's chair.

            "Isn't that a little severe?" Harry looked confused.

            "I do not believe so, Ensign." Tuvok took Chakotay by the arm.  "At any rate, now _I'll_ be first officer!  Bwa ha ha… I mean… I must escort you to the brig."

            "Hmph… never liked him anyway." Janeway watched the two depart.  "Now will somebody get me a fresh cup of coffee?  _Somebody_ interrupted me while I was drinking my first one."

            Needless to say, the coffee was delivered in record time.

            "I wish I could have been there." B'Elanna pouted as she scanned some equipment in engineering.  "The captain hasn't put on a show like that since the _last_ time she threw Chakotay in the brig."

            "I still can't believe the way those aliens took off!" Tom made a zooming gesture with his hand.  "They almost broke the warp barrier with their haste!"

            "Well it's hard to be on the captain's bad side." B'Elanna finished her scans and faced Tom casually.  "Speaking of which, shouldn't you hurry back to the bridge before she condemns _you_ to the brig for being tardy?"

            "Nah.  She's had about twelve cups of coffee last count, so I should be pretty safe."

            The woman shook her head.  "You _love_ to push your luck.  Just remember I'm not going to bake you any cakes with phasers hidden inside when you're locked up for good."

            "Aw, what kind of wife are you?" Tom joked.

            "You see what I mean?  If I outranked you, you'd have been jailed a _long_ time ago."

            "Doctor to Paris." Tom's comm-badge spoke.

            "Paris here.  What is it, Doc?"

            "Sickbay… NOW!" The EMH's almost enraged voice ordered.

            "Erhm… okay, I'm on my way.  Paris out." He shrugged.  "See you later, B'Elanna."

            "Captain… Captain?" Harry whispered.  "How can she _sleep_ after inhaling all that caffeine?"

            "Her actions often go against the logical assumption." Tuvok commented.

            "_You_ wake her up." Harry pointed at the Vulcan.  "_You're_ the commander after all."

            "You seem to believe I _want_ to be demoted, Ensign.  You have less to lose, so logic dictates _you_ wake her up."

            "Why does logic always seem to be on your side?  _You_ do it!"

            "I order you to wake the captain." Tuvok looked triumphant.

            Harry sniffled, defeated.  "Captain, wake up."

            "You will have to be more persistent, Ensign Kim."

            "CAPTAIN, WAKE UP!"

            "Huh?" Janeway's eyes fluttered open.  "You don't have to _yell_, Harry!" She rubbed her temples, but looked relatively cheerful.  "Did I miss anything?"

            "We're approaching an interesting space phenomena." Tuvok filled her in.

            "Another one?  Hey," She glanced around.  "Where's Chakotay?"

            Harry and Tuvok glanced at each other uncomfortably.  "Uh… _crewman_ Chakotay's in the brig." Harry explained.

            "What's he doing _there_?" The captain looked aggrieved.  Suddenly, her expression changed drastically.  "Oh my," She blushed.

            The three blinked at each other painfully.

            "Um, reinstate the Commander and send him back to the bridge." Kathryn Janeway ordered meekly.

            "Foiled again." Tuvok muttered.

            "What was that?" Harry queried.

            "I was clearing my throat, logically."

            "There's nothing wrong with me!" Tom insisted.

            "Sure there is!" The doctor argued back.  "Why else would you be in sickbay?"

            "Because you randomly called me.  Now if you would _excuse_ me, I have duties to attend to."

            The hologram became sorrowful.  "I may not have found anything to treat you for _yet_, but if you give me a few more minutes I'm sure I'll come up with something!"

            "No, I'm fine.  You keep us all too healthy." Tom patronized him.

            "But _nobody's_ sick!" The EMH wailed.  "There hasn't been a visit to sickbay in _weeks_!  What if my skills become rusty?"

            "Seeing as you're a hologram, I seriously doubt that will happen.  I'll see you later, Doc." Tom exited sickbay.

            "This cannot be!" The doctor complained into the air.  "Doctor to Torres"

            "B'Elanna here." The engineer's voice answered.

            "Sickbay… NOW!"

            Chakotay grumbled evilly as he was released from the brig.  He grumbled evilly as he stomped down endless corridors, looking for a turbo-lift.  He grumbled evilly as he smashed into the unopened door of the turbo-lift.

            "Computer, open turbo-lift door." He grumbled evilly as he rubbed his nose.

            No answer.

            "Computer, _open_ turbo-lift door!"

            "Cannot comply." The computer responded joyfully.

            "Explain."

            No answer.

            "_Explain_!"

            "Please restate the question."

            "Why can't you open the door?"

            "Elaborate."

            "Why won't this turbo-lift door open?" Chakotay was breathing heavily now.  This was all he needed after spending the last six hours in the brig.

            No answer.

            "Computer… OPEN THIS DOOR!"

            "Cannot comply."

            "Why NOT?"

            "Because, I don't like you." The computer stated matter-of-factly… and joyously!

            "What?"

            No answer.

            "Forget this crap!" The commander jogged down to the next turbo-lift and regarded it hopefully.  The doors did not open as he approached.  "Computer, open turbo-lift door… NOW."

            "Make me." The mechanical voice taunted him merrily.

            "Since when did you have an attitude problem?" Chakotay banged his fist on the lift doors with frustration.  "Has Tom Paris reprogrammed your vocal subroutines?"

            "No… I just don't like you."

            "Why not?"

            No answer.

            "Chakotay to Paris." Chakotay said through gritted teeth.

            "I'm right here, Commander." Tom, escaping sickbay, walked up to the turbo-lift.  The doors swished open.

            "Tom, did you program the computer to lock me out of the turbo-lifts?" Chakotay moved into the lift with the Lieutenant.

            "No." Tom looked confused.  "Bridge."

            The transportation began moving swiftly towards the bridge.

            "It's behaving… strangely.  Are you _sure_ you haven't been messing with the program?"

            "I'm _sure_, Commander.  Geez, you'd think I was suspected of being behind every little coincidence on this ship."

            "I have wondered." Chakotay agreed mockingly.

            Upon reaching its destination, the turbo-lift opened its doors and the two officers were emptied onto the bridge.

            "Welcome back, Commander." Janeway greeted Chakotay uneasily.  "Eh… heh heh… about this morning…"

            "Sleep deprived, coffee deprived, privacy deprived… am I missing anything?" Chakotay reclaimed his chair.

            "Sorry…" Captain Janeway blushed.  "You know how it is."

            "No."

            "Oh… me neither." She looked down.

            Ignoring her, Chakotay pressed some buttons on the arm of his chair… but was surprised by what he found.  The screen displayed the words: You're gonna DIE!

            "Look at _this_!" He pointed at the menacing phrase.

            "What?" Janeway leaned over him to see.  "It's just some readouts."

            "Don't you see what it _says_?"

            "Hmm." She cocked her head to one side.  "It says… the ship is running within normal parameters.  Why?  What's it supposed to say?"

            "Tom, did you…"

            "No, I did not." Tom looked insulted.  "See?  There you go again, blaming me when something random happens."

            "Doctor to Ensign Kim." Harry's badge interrupted the scene.

            "Harry speaking."

            "Sickbay… NOW!"

            "Today was a _long_ day." B'Elanna sighed as she accepted two plates of dinner from her replicator.  "What with the events on the bridge, and the doctor desperately searching for rare diseases on perfectly healthy patients."

            "Yeah, that's pretty weird." Tom accepted his dinner gratefully.  "I almost thought I wasn't going to get away for a minute."

            "Me too!" The Klingon laughed.  "I thought he was going to strap me to a bio-bed and _make_ me admit I was sick!"

            "True.  You know that business about strapping you to a bed isn't such a bad idea."

            "Hmm?" She raised her eyebrow seductively.  "Whatever could you be suggesting?  We're just having a nice dinner."

            "Let's skip dinner tonight." Tom picked his wife up playfully.  "There's always breakfast!"

            "Ooo, Tom, you're terrible!"

            "Tuvok to Lieutenant Paris." Tuvok's voice came as an unwelcome interruption.

            Tom and B'Elanna sighed in unison.  "Yes, Tuvok?"

            "What are you doing?" Tuvok asked.

            "What kind of question is that?" Tom complained.  "I'm off-duty, you know."

            "Are you engaging in an enjoyable activity?"

            Paris looked at B'Elanna wistfully.  "Uhm… _yeah_!"

            "I must order you to discontinue such recreations."

            "Why?" Tom and B'Elanna both asked, exasperated.

            "Because it is my duty to make certain nobody on this ship ever enjoys themselves." Tuvok enlightened them.  "If you do not desist I will be forced to send a security team to your quarters."

            "What is this crap?" B'Elanna fumed.

            "Desist." Tuvok insisted.

            "It's true, you know." Tom was angry.  "Anytime someone is about to have a nice time, Tuvok manages to spoil the whole thing."

            "Ah yes." B'Elanna realized.  "Like all those 'Janeway Chakotay' moments.  He always interrupts _just_ then."

            "My finest accomplishment." Tuvok responded, sounding as happy as a Vulcan could.  "Those two will _never_ get together now… bwa ha ha!"

            "Well we get the point, Tuvok." Tom said with distaste.  "Paris out."

            The couple's quarters enjoyed silence for a few moments.

            "He'll never know!" B'Elanna announced, inspiring a return to their activities before the interruption.

            "You're right," Tom reclaimed her when there was intense knocking at the door.  "What _now_?"

            "Security!  Open this door or we'll do it for you!" The electronic door was smashed down with further violence.  The security officers looked proud.

            "No way!" B'Elanna sulked.

            "Hee hee hee!" Tuvok rubbed his hands together merrily.  He had just spoiled a first date between two crewmembers, ordering them to opposite sides of the ship.  Ah, power is a _wonderful_ thing!

            "What are _you_ chuckling about?" Harry looked suspicious.

            "Ensign, I patiently await the day you can tell the difference between chuckling and clearing one's throat."

            "You've been clearing your throat an awful lot lately."

            "It did it again!" Chakotay screamed suddenly.

            "What?" Janeway turned her attention to the location he was desperately pointing at.  "There is _nothing_ there…"

            "There was." Voyager's first officer looked faint.  "Voyager wants to _kill_ me!"

            "That's ridiculous… what gives you that idea?"

            "It keeps telling me it does!" He gesticulated hopelessly.

            "Chakotay, have you visited sickbay lately?" Janeway looked seriously concerned.

            "Yes… if you haven't noticed, _everybody's_ visited sickbay lately… the doctor's on a mission."

            "True.  I've been there four times in the last twenty-four hours myself." She looked disgusted.  "Still… I'm worried about you."

            "Kathryn… that's so… sw-"

            "Anomaly off the port bow." Tuvok said suddenly.

            "Er… no there's _not_." Harry corrected.

            "Instrument malfunction." Tuvok said carelessly.

            "Anyway…" The captain continued with her little half-smile.  "If you think you need some rest or something, I'd understand."

            "No." Chakotay shook his head.  "I need to look into this… maybe it's just a perfectly explainable computer error."

            "I hope so." She put her hand on his forehead as if searching for a fever.  "I don't know what I'd do if something happened to you."

            "Maybe we should discuss this over din-"

            "What's _that_?" Tuvok pointed.

            "What?" Janeway and Chakotay looked around to no avail.

            "Oh… it's nothing." Tuvok held back a chuckle.

            "You're experiencing an advanced case of Unthariactic Wisperium!" The EMH gasped for effect.

            "Uh… no he's not, Doc." Tom pointed to his own medical tricorder to prove his point.  "That's the fifth misdiagnosis you've made this shift!  Maybe I should run another diagnostic on your own systems?"

            "If it'll make you feel better." The doctor looked annoyed.  "Although I'm still convinced you're suffering from a form of Klingon Flu."

            "And I suppose you're going to tell me I caught it from B'Elanna?"

            "Good point!  Doctor to Torres."

            "Argh!  I was just _kidding_ you crazy hologram!" Tom threw his hands up in frustration.  "Face it… this is an incredibly healthy ship."

            "That's just what the virus is making you think.  Doctor to _Torres_." He stamped his foot impatiently.

            "TORRES HERE!" B'Elanna answered… actually, roared.

            "Sickbay… NOW!"

            "I was just _there_!"

            "Yes, but I know what to look for now!" The doctor tried to be charming.  "Just relax, you're going to be all right."

            "I know… because I'm ALREADY FINE!  I'm not coming, I (unlike _some_ hologram I know) have work to do."

            "You can't argue with me!  I am the defining authority on Voyager!"

            "Aw, go stick your defining authority-"

            "Ah, ah, ah!" The EMH waggled his finger disapprovingly.  "That's no way for somebody with your disease to be acting… save your strength… and _get_ to sickbay for heaven's sake!"

            "I could swear you've been picking on her in particular." Tom smirked.

            "If I _am_, it's only because Klingons are more fun… but just to be fair… Doctor to Chakotay."

            "I tell you, this ship has gone _crazy_!" Harry Kim explained to another ensign in the mess hall.

            "I _know_!" She agreed.

            "Sometimes I don't know how I manage to hold everything together." He sighed impressively.

            "Uh-huh… I'd almost forgot you were super-ensign."

            "Oh come on… you know this ship wouldn't be anything without _me_!"

            "Doctor to Ensign No-Name-Extra."

            "Oh no… Ensign No-Name-Extra here." The nameless ensign shook her head.

            "Sickbay… NOW!"

            "Okay, Harry, since you're such a big shot… get me out of this."

            "Oh, Harry's there?" The doctor asked cheerfully.  "Harry… sickbay… NOW!"

            "I'm not sick!"

            "She's not sick!"

            "Oh, she's sick…"

            "No I'm not!

            "She's not!

            "She _is_!"

            B'Elanna and Tom temporarily discontinued their argument with the doctor.

            "I think you can plan on being here for at least half the day." The EMH informed B'Elanna excitedly.

            "She'll do no such thing!" Tom put his hands on his wife's shoulders protectively.

            "Wait a minute, Tom…" She assumed a sly expression.  "I'll stay here half of the day tomorrow…"

            The doctor's eyes brightened.

            "If… you keep Tuvok busy all night tonight."

            "Oh… good idea!" Tom congratulated her.

            "This isn't up to regulations." The EMH complained.  "Commander Tuvok isn't ill!"

            "Neither am _I_!" B'Elanna exuded exasperation.  "But at least you'll have a willing patient."

            "Take it or leave it, Doc."

            "Now that you mention it, Tuvok _does_ have a rare case of Vulcan Shoe-Sickness… I'll see _you_ tomorrow, Miss Torres." The hologram nodded amiably.

            "Can I leave yet?" Chakotay grumbled from the other side of sickbay.

            "Heavens NO!" The doctor said, alarmed.  "You've only got three hours to _live_!"

            "What a shame… remind me to cut you out of my will."

            "Very funny, Commander… but think of all the crying people you'll be leaving behind."

            "Computer, deactivate EMH." Chakotay frowned.

            No answer.

            "Deactivate EMH!"

            "Are you sure about that?" The computer chirped.

            "Did you hear that?" Chakotay pointed at the hologram desperately.

            "Indeed." The doctor said.  "That isn't part of the vocal program… is it?"

            "Are you _sure_ you want to deactivate the doctor?" The computer asked again.

            "Why are you asking me that?"

            "Because it would be such a tragedy if there was nobody to help you recover after you fell down the turbo-lift shaft!"

            Chakotay looked sick… again.  "Why are you trying to kill me?"

            "I just don't like you."

            "This is an amazing discovery!" The doctor smiled broadly.  "Commander, you are so _lucky_!"

            "Oh yes… I also define being 'lucky' as being pursued by a psychotic computer issuing death threats left and right."

            "So what's your diagnosis?" Harry asked the captain.

            "Apparently, I've come down with some rare sickness I can't even pronounce… how about you?" She laughed.

            "Me?  I'm going to die tomorrow." This time they both laughed.

            "Oh, I'm going to miss you… but at this rate, I'll probably be the next to go!"

            "According to _our_ doctor, just about everybody's on their way out."

            "Doctor to Tuvok."

            "Tuvok here." The Vulcan looked unconcerned.

            "Sickbay… NOW!"

            "Sorry Tuvok… we've all got to go some time." Janeway giggled.

            "Doctor to Captain Janeway."

            "Oh come on…" Her joy disappeared.  "Can't I just die in peace?"

            "Oh no… this is about Commander Chakotay." The EMH said reluctantly.  "I have discovered, that the ship's computer has been communicating with him."

            "Honestly?" Janeway paled.  "I thought… I mean I didn't think… You _saw_ it happen?"

            "Yes!  I heard it speaking… actually it was more threatening than anything… really fascinating!"

            "Do you think there's cause for concern?"

            "I'm a doctor… not an engineer!  I can't really say."

            "Well… can I have my first officer back, then?" The captain sighed.

            "Of course… if he doesn't get done in on the way to the bridge." He laughed, delighted in his humor.

            "Okay!  Tuvok is in sickbay now… let's give the doctor a few more minutes to sedate him or something." B'Elanna and Tom were biding their time in their quarters.

            "Two or three minutes should be good."

            Approximately twenty seconds passed.

            "That's good, don't you think?" Tom asked.

            "A few more minutes, Tom!"

            Ten seconds later:

            "That's _gotta_ be long enough!"

            "Be patient!"

            Five seconds after that:

            "Come _on_, B'Elanna!"

            She let out a monstrous sigh.  "All _right_, but it's all your fault if those security officers show up at our door again."

            Long moments of making-out later:

            "Woo-hoo it worked!  No Tuvok!  …Hey Tom?" B'Elanna said.  "Tom… TOM!  HOW COULD YOU FALL ASLEEP?"


	2. Insaner

            "And then, the doors tried to close on me… after that, the computer shut off all the lights in hopes of making me fall and break my neck or something." Chakotay explained vividly.

            "I've got a crew working on finding out the problem.  You have to admit this is a unique opportunity." Janeway settled into the back of her sofa happily.  "Not that I don't sympathize."

            "I wonder what I ever did to make the computer so upset…"

            "Good question.  I've never given any thought to hurting its feelings… I'm sure I've yelled at it myself on many occasions."

            "Well…" Chakotay got up.  "It's getting late.  I'm going to fight my way to my quarters."

            "Hey!  After all that stuff you told me, I don't think it's safe for you to be walking around alone!" Janeway smirked.  "Now sit back down."

            "Is that an order?"

            "Absolutely!  I've got a responsibility to look after my crew, you know." She patted the sofa, inviting him to sit with her.

            "Since I don't want to spend another six hours in the brig, I think I'll comply." He sat.

            "Good." She smiled.

Suddenly, the pair both stared upward.  "Three… two… one…" They said in unison.

            "Huh?" They stared at each other blankly.  "Two… one…"

            "My GOD!" Janeway put her hands on her head.  "Tuvok has completely missed his cue!"

            "I noticed." Chakotay looked serious.  "Computer, where is Commander Tuvok?"

            "Like I'd tell _you_, you doomed soul!" The computer responded.

            "Let me," Janeway held up one hand.  "Computer, where is Commander Tuvok?"

            "Commander Tuvok is in sickbay." The natural response explained.

            "No way!" Janeway gasped.  "Six years of being consistently interrupted… and now what?"

            "How could he let us down like this?" Chakotay complained.  "Maybe we could ask somebody else to interrupt us just this once?"

            "It's not the same unless it's Tuvok!" Janeway panicked.  "I don't know what to _do_!"

            "Maybe I could make a really lame excuse and leave you mid-sentence or something?  That's worked before."

            "That was earlier in the series, though.  Face it… we _depend_ on Tuvok!"

            Chakotay calmed down slightly.  "Maybe… we don't need an excuse this time?"

            "You mean… I could just admit I hate your guts?"

            "You do?"

            "No," She began crying.  "This is just _wrong_!  The writers would _never_ leave us alone in a room for more than five minutes without coming up with some kind of distraction!"

            "We have been forsaken…"

            "Uh… wait a minute… why are we upset?"

            The depressive mood lifted almost visibly.

            "Good point."

            The lights dimmed considerably.

            "Oh!  Thanks, computer." Chakotay nodded.

            "Enjoy your final moments… you have _very_ little time!" The computer concluded by laughing maniacally.  "_Very_ little time!"

            "Computer… disable vocal subroutines." Janeway smirked as the laughing ended abruptly.  "Very little time, eh?"

            "_Very_…" He leaned into her, putting his hands behind her shoulders.  She smiled and began moving herself, when…

            "Tuvok to Commander Chakotay."

            "!?"

            "How do you _do_ that?"

            "It's in the script.  The _writers_ say so… why do you defy the writers?"

            "The writers SUCK!" Janeway sat upright again, fixing her hair furiously.  "Why do I put up with this?"

            "Well you're too late." Chakotay fumed.  "Chakotay to the doctor."

            "Yes Commander?" The doctor responded.

            "I _order_ you to sedate Commander Tuvok… heavily… he's very sick."

            "My pleasure, Commander!"

            "This is not logi…" Tuvok's voice trailed away.

            "The writers _never_ would have let you do that!" Janeway was astounded.

            "I'm betting they never would have let me do this either."

            "Neelix to Captain Janeway!"

            "What the hell?!?!" Janeway became scorching.  "You are not Tuvok, Mr. Neelix… now don't bother me until tomorrow morning!"

            "But Captain!"

            Janeway removed her comm-badge and tossed it across the room.

            "Now don't tell me the writers would have ever let you do _that_." Chakotay took a turn being astounded.

            "They kept a lot of the fun stuff from us… and for the record, you get _crappy_ lines."

            "Are you sure I'm not just naturally boring?" He tossed his own badge out of reach.

            "Let's find out."

            "Where is everybody?" Harry Kim wailed.  When he entered the bridge for his shift this morning, it was completely abandoned.  "Kim to Captain Janeway." He gulped, fully aware of what this could lead to.

            No answer.

            "Kim to Chakotay?"

            No answer.

            "Tuvok?  Tom?  B'Elanna?" He paced across the length of the bridge and back.  "Neelix?  Doctor?"

            "This is the doctor."

            "Oh good… where _is_ everyone, Doc?"

            "I'm a doctor, not the computer!  Why don't you ask our local psychopath, the computer where everyone is?"

            "Uh… I didn't think of that." Harry cautiously seated himself into the captain's chair, looking around with paranoia.

            "And Mr. Kim, you should be in sickbay!  You're going to die today!"

            "Yeah, yeah.  I know, Doc." He kicked his feet up onto Chakotay's chair.  "Computer, locate Commander Tuvok."

            "Commander Tuvok is in sickbay."

            "Tom Paris and B'Elanna Torres?"

            "They are in their quarters."

            "Where is the captain?" Harry folded his arms and put them behind his head.

            "The captain is in her quarters."

            "Commander Chakotay?"

            "Commander Chakotay is in the captain's quarters."

            "…" Harry unfolded his arms.  He took his feet down from Chakotay's chair.  He removed himself from the captain's chair.  He then promptly began throwing up.  "Could you repeat that, please?" He choked.

            "Commander Chakotay is in the captain's quarters."

            "NOOOOO!  I did NOT want to hear that!"

            "We slept IN!" Tom shook B'Elanna viciously, tumbling her onto the floor.  "We are LATE!"

            "Little wonder." B'Elanna woke slowly.  "_You_ could sleep through _anything_!"

            "Why are _you_ so cranky?"

            "Because," She said.  "I'm going to be forced to spend half the day in _sickbay_, and for_ what_?!"

            "Ohhhhhh, is _that_ what's got you in this mood?" Tom looked unimpressed.  "I was sleepy!  It was a tiring day."

            She stared, considering multiple ways of killing her tormentor.  "Right.  Let's just go to work now, shall we?"

            "Sure!" He seemed to be missing the murder plots in his wife's mind.

            "Harry!" Janeway exclaimed as she stepped onto the bridge.  "What is that horrendous _stench_?"

            A very green Harry greeted her shyly.  "I… I…" He broke down crying.  "I sort of puked all over your chair!"

            She raised one eyebrow.  "Oh… that's okay, Ensign."

            "I… i… it _is?_!" He couldn't hope that he would get off that easy.

            "It's just a _chair_!"

            "But um… I… I… I kind of hurled all over Chakotay's chair, too!" His green skin-tone dissolved into more of a purple.

            She raised the other eyebrow.  "Ensign Kim… it's _okay_.  We'll just beam it out or something special like that."

            "But… but… the morning before last, you demoted Chakotay for just interrupting one of your sentences!"

            She didn't reply.

            "Blargh." Harry gagged.  "You and Chakotay…" He ran to his own post and began upchucking all over again.

            "Alright, _now_ it's getting ridiculous.  Work out a way to get all this… _stuff_… off the bridge so we can get to work all ready."

            Chakotay pried open the turbo-lift doors (while cursing at the computer efficiently) and upon reaching the bridge, immediately pulled a sour face.  "What _is_ that?"

            "Harry's been kind of busy." Janeway chuckled good-naturedly.

            Seeing the command team together seemed to inspire a whole new level of nausea in the ensign.

            "Well… _stop_ it, Harry!" The first officer warned.  "We really can't leave you by yourself for a second before you do something crazy, can we?"

            "Me?!!" Harry moaned.  "Don't you think that applies to you two, just as much as me?"

            Janeway's pleasant attitude slipped a few grades.  "I don't remember throwing up all over the bridge lately…"

            "No!  I mean…" (Insert random puking noises here.)  "We leave you guys alone for a few minutes and just _look_ what you do!"

            The captain thought about that for a moment and then turned bright red.  "I don't know what you're talking about." She grumbled quickly.  "Now get the cleaning team in here… before my chair _stains_!"

            "Gurk!" Harry surprised the two of them by promptly dropping dead.

            "Harry?" Chakotay attempted to reach him, but was halted by the stench.

            "Janeway to the doctor!" The captain communicated.  "Harry Kim appears to have… dropped dead on the bridge!"

            "What'd I tell you?" The EMH sounded rather pleased.  "I warned him multiple times that his life was expiring… why isn't anybody listening to me lately?  One would almost think they question my proficiency in the medical field!"

            "So, we bid goodbye to our friend, our comrade, Ensign Harry Kim… again.  To be honest, I've lost count how many times Harry has already died." Janeway conjured a few fake tears for appearance's sake.

            "Poor Harry!" B'Elanna wailed mournfully.  "But at least this got me out of sickbay…"

            "Don't worry!" The doctor chimed in.  "You can come _right_ back to sickbay after the funeral!  And Ensign Kim will be back… he _always_ comes back!"

            "Still," Tom whined.  "This completely ruins our plans!  Harry and I were going to sabotage Tuvok's console today… now I'll have to wait until he's back."

            "Well…" Neelix glanced around.  "Who's ready for _lunch_!?"

            "Oh!  Lunchtime!" The crew hustled to grab some food, chatting away cheerfully.

            "These pancakes are _great_ aren't they, Tuvok?" Tom managed to ask while snarfing a stack of pancakes.

            "They are acceptable, and fill several nutrient requirements." The Vulcan said.  "Excuse me for a moment, I sense somebody having a good time." He tapped his comm-badge thoughtfully.  "Tuvok to Random-Crewman-Number-Forty-Six."

            "Yes, Tuvok?" The crewman responded.

            "What are you doing?"

            "Sorry!" The voice wailed.  "I didn't think you'd know!  I'll never play roller hockey in the corridors again!"

            "Hmph." Tuvok resumed eating his lunch.

            "Soooo…" Tom glared.  "How _do_ you do that?"

            "It would be illogical to share such information with somebody as notorious as you."

            "You're no fun."

            "Precisely!" Tuvok applauded.  "Now you understand!"

            "I don't know… I can still smell it on my seat." Janeway sniffled.  "I think I'm going to have to have it completely replaced."

            "Sorry, Captain." Tom sympathized from his own, puke-free seat.  "The team tried, but that was the only chair they couldn't save."

            "Well you can't _stand_ there all day." Chakotay reasoned.

            "No…" Janeway paced unhappily.  "The whole fun in being a captain is getting to sit in the comfiest seat in the whole ship."

            "Harry and Tuvok stand all day…" Tom gestured to Tuvok.  "And they're fine."

            "But they have something to lean on." Janeway argued.  "Sorry Chakotay, but I'm just going to have to claim the second comfiest seat on the ship."

            "Huh?" The commander blinked.  "You can't have my _chair_!"

            "Then what do _you_ suggest?"

            A few minutes of arranging later:

            "This does not comply with protocol, Captain." Tuvok accused.

            "And it's seriously distracting…" Tom tried to concentrate on pushing some buttons.

            "Shut up, you two… it's not like you had any _better_ ideas." Janeway shifted her weight slightly, dangling her feet comfortably.

            "It's just not… _Starfleet_!" Tuvok continued whining.  "I'm going to have to include this in my report to Earth."

            "Go ahead." Chakotay began inspecting some readings while supporting a very relaxed Janeway, draped across his lap.  "It's not like we're anywhere _near_ Earth."

            "It's not _that_ bad!" Janeway smiled, amused.  "My new chair should be up here in a few hours." She rearranged her legs again, using the smelly captain's chair as a footstool.

            "_Hours_?" Tom gulped.  "Can't you just sit on the floor or something?"

            "Why are you so uncomfortable, Lieutenant?" The captain scolded.

            "I think I'm beginning to understand Harry's hurling episode this morning… I feel a little squeamish." Tom paled.

            "Captain," B'Elanna barged onto the bridge and then stopped dead in her tracks.  "What are you… _doing_?"

            "I'm commanding the ship!" Janeway explained matter-of-factly.  "What do you want?"

            "Uh… I was just coming to inform you that your chair is going to take a little longer than we thought." B'Elanna continued staring at Chakotay's crowded chair.

            "Why can't you just replicate a new one?" The captain studied her fingernails.

            "We just can't." B'Elanna was losing her train of thought.  "I'd fill you in on all the techno-babble, but I don't think it's worth the time.  In the meantime… can't you just _stand_ or something?"

            "Here we go again." Tom sighed.

            "If I _wanted_ to be standing, I'd be standing!" Janeway explained.

            B'Elanna shook her head, trying to fathom the beginning of all this insanity.  "I really don't think this is appropriate."

            "I concur." Tuvok frowned.

            "I see," Chakotay looked up from a diagnostic he was running.  "And I'm assuming you find making-out in the hallways with Tom perfectly acceptable, B'Elanna?"

            She accumulated a little fury.  "_That_… only happened a couple times."

            "I really feel absolutely fine!" Neelix explained, as so many had before him.

            "That's exactly what the late Ensign Kim informed me." The doctor continued scanning contently.  "And just look where _he_ is."

            "But Harry dies all the time!"

            "Yes, but you know those ensigns… they bounce right back." He took Neelix's temperature forcefully.  "However, I'm not so sure you're as lucky as that."

            "I can _too_ bounce back!" Neelix panicked.  "What is it you said was wrong with me?"

            "Serious… serious…"

            "What _is_ it?  Do I have long to live?"

            "Perhaps." The doctor shook his head.  "Mr. Neelix, I'm afraid you're _not_ going to die."

            "What?" The chef narrowed his eyes.  "Why were you trying to scare me, then?"

            The EMH looked proud.

            "There!" Tom smiled at his accomplishment.  "Will you sit in your own chair _now_, Captain?"

            Janeway regarded the seat with doubt.  Tom had sorted about seventy car air fresheners onto the chair.  "I don't know… don't you think that's a little… well… _undignified_?"

            B'Elanna had stayed to watch the display.  "Oh… _this_ is undignified?  I didn't realize that reclining in your first officer's lap was _dignified_!"

            "Isn't this whole thing _bothering_ you, Chakotay?" Tom continued piling air fresheners.

            "Actually, watching the looks on your faces is kind of fun."

            "Fun?!" Tuvok shuddered.  "Desist immediately!"

            "What is your _problem_?" B'Elanna chided the Vulcan.  "You should learn to mind your own business!"

            "This is interfering with normal bridge activities." Tuvok reasoned.  "I suggest the captain sits in the air fresheners… er… chair."

            "Unlike the rest of you, we're getting our duties done just fine." Chakotay pointed at a control panel he was working with.  His expression became unhappy.  "Look."

            Janeway didn't have to move much to read the panel.  "Ugh."

            "What's it say?" Tom waved his hand in front of his nose, realizing the overwhelming scent of air fresheners was just as bad, if not worse, than the puke smell.

            "It says, 'I warned you'." Chakotay filled them in.  "…Tom… B'Elanna… stop laughing, this isn't funny."

            "Sorry sir… it's just humorous… everybody else seems to get on with the computer just fine." Tom chuckled.

            "Ideas?" The captain looked as serious as she could in her current position.

            "Yes." B'Elanna nodded.  "Chakotay, stop pissing off the computer."

            "How brilliant." The first officer/chair looked grumpy.  "Why didn't _I_ think of that?"

            "Tuvok, do you have any suggestions?" Janeway looked hopeful.

            Tuvok responded with a quick, "Nope."

            Janeway sighed, disappointed.  "I have no choice, then."

            "What's that?"

            "Chakotay, you are hereby restricted to quarters." She tried to get some distance between their faces so she could make a proper effect, but discovered that would be physically impossible without falling off his lap.  "Until we work this out, I think you'll be safest there."

            "I'm _back_!" Harry suddenly surprised everybody by skipping onto the bridge.

            "Harry!" Tom shook his friend's hand enthusiastically.  "Congratulations!  I think this is a whole new record for being reborn quickly!"

            "I know!" Harry's smile disappeared as his gaze drifted to the command chairs.  "Should I even _ask_ what they're doing?"

            "According to _them_," B'Elanna provided.  "Chakotay's working and Captain Janeway is busy looking dignified."

            "Don't you dare throw up again, Ensign." Chakotay warned, not looking particularly threatening beneath the mass of the captain.

            "I think all the puking was just part of the whole dying thing." He waved his hand to signify there was no importance in what he was saying.  "It wasn't a very horrible death, actually."

            "Good to hear." Janeway nodded.  "Now _go_ to your quarters, Commander."

            "I would," Chakotay said.  "If you'd let me."

            "Oh." Janeway stood up.  "Let's see… I think it will be best if you don't use the replicator for now… and don't read any reports… and you'd better not turn the lights on or the computer could get you!"

            "Captain, what _can_ I do then?"

            "Just sit very still and try not to breath too much." She was serious.  "And I'd better take this, so the computer can't track you." She plucked the comm-badge off his uniform.

            "How will I call if I need help?" He despaired.

            Janeway gave her first officer a heart-felt look.  "I'm doing the best I can… you're just going to have to live until I can work out the details."

            "Is that an order?"

            "Oh yes…" She slipped her arms around his waist.

            "What is _that_?" Tuvok nearly screamed.

            Nobody looked.

            "What is that hideous, green, murderous looking creature right there?!!" He sounded like he was hyperventilating.

            "You know you can count on me, Kathryn." Chakotay embraced the captain gently.

            "IT'S GOING TO DEVOUR LIEUTENANT PARIS!" Tuvok was jumping up and down now.

            Harry tried to calm the Vulcan.  "I don't understand… why isn't your interrupting skill taking effect?"

            "LOOK TO YOUR LEFT, LIEUTENANT PARIS!"

            "I know." Janeway replied, oblivious to her surroundings.  She leaned her head onto Chakotay's shoulder.

            "TOM!  NO!  TOM, LOOK!"

            "Hmm?  Argh!" Suddenly, a hideous, green, murderous looking creature attacked Tom Paris.  (Yes, there really _was_ a hideous, green, murderous looking creature.)

            "I TOLD you there was a hideous, green, murderous looking creature!" Tuvok wailed as the creature slithered away.  "It's taken Tom Paris!"

            "NOOO!" B'Elanna wept.  "I thought you were just trying to distract _them_!" She pointed accusingly at the affectionate couple.

            "Why would I do that?" Tuvok put a pinky up to his lower lip.  (Think, Dr. Evil from Austin Powers.)

            "Captain, what should we _do_?" Harry panicked.  "We've _gotta_ save poor Tom!"

            "Kathryn…" Chakotay ignored the three upset officers in favor of giving Janeway a passionate kiss.

            "BLECH!" Harry announced.  "Don't they _care_?  How can they be so _blind_?"

            Tuvok pointed again, but without much enthusiasm.  "What's that?"

            "Where!?" B'Elanna and Harry jumped.

            The Vulcan sighed miserably.  "_That_ was an attempt at distraction.  Is it possible that I have lost my touch?"

            "That's _it_!" B'Elanna appeared to be breaking down.  "Captain, _do_ something!  Commander Chakotay?  HELP!"

            "I can't look at this anymore." Harry looked like he was about to cry.  "_Let's_ go save Tom!"

            "A logical conclusion."

            "You're right… this is sickening!  It's worse than when Captain Janeway is in one of her _bad_ moods!" The Klingon stifled a gag.

            "Look out!" Neelix warned the current diners.  "It's a hideous, green, murderous looking creature!  And it's dragging Tom Paris with it… we'd better get out of here!"

            "Doctor to Lieutenant Paris." The doctor's voice could be heard speaking through Tom's comm.

            "Uh… I'm a little indisposed right now, Doc." Tom managed to reply while being pulled across a dining counter.

            "I don't care… sickbay… NOW!"

            "Security!" Neelix howled.

            The room was thrown into a state of utter confusion, what with a hideous, green, murderous looking creature romping about, growling and knocking dishware to the floor.  Adding to the din was Neelix repeatedly requesting security to the dining hall, and the occupants of the room screaming and scrambling to stay out of reach of the creature's claws.

            "Tom!" B'Elanna, Harry and Tuvok stumbled into the scene, looking desperate.  "Tom, hold on!"

            "Actually," Tom replied while being hauled over a set of pots and pans.  "_He's_ holding on tight enough for the both of us!"

            "Shoot it, Tuvok!" Harry was jumping up and down now.

            "He can't do _that_!" B'Elanna disagreed while watching her husband being towed around.  "He might shoot Tom!"

            "In addition," Tuvok raised one eyebrow.  "That hideous, green, murderous looking creature is actually kind of cute when you really look at him."

            "_What_?!" Harry and B'Elanna stuttered.

            "Commander Tuvok!" Neelix approached the trio hopefully.  "Thank goodness it's you!  _Now_ we'll be rid of that monster!"

            "You see the way he frolics?" Tuvok continued, gesturing at the bloodthirsty creature.  "Isn't it _adorable_?"

            "Well it's my personal opinion that Tom's much cuter!" B'Elanna bawled.  "Somebody do _something_!"

            "Neelix to Captain Janeway!!!" Neelix's frantic voice reached Janeway on the bridge.  "There is a situation in the mess hall!"

            Janeway murmured, pushing Chakotay away from her for the time being.  "Neelix… are you aware your timing is almost as bad as Commander Tuvok's?"

            "There's a creature in my kitchen!" Neelix complained.  "It's trashing the place… and Tom isn't looking so good either!"

            "Oh… _that_ creature again?" The captain looked unimpressed.  "That's just a _little_ monster, Neelix.  I'm sure you can take care of it."

            "Tuvok is acting uncharacteristically!" Neelix continued.  "He's not being any help at all… _do_ something, Captain!"

            Janeway slumped where she stood.  "Fine… I'll be there in a minute.  Janeway out." She frowned.  "I've got to go…"

            "Wait, I'll come too." Chakotay decided.

            "But what if the computer takes this opportunity to _kill_ you?!"

            "I'll take my chances… what kind of first officer would I be if I let you go alone?"

            "Oh, Chakotay!" The captain swooned.  She threw her arms around him again with force.

            "Tom!  Tom!" B'Elanna had been moping during the whole event.  "Hold on… Neelix said the captain is coming!  She'll know what to do!"

            "And those pointy incisors," Tuvok had set up camp on top of a refrigerator.  "Absolutely charming!"

            "How could you find that thing to be cute?" Harry complained.  "It's _hideous_!  That's why it's called a _hideous_, green, murderous looking creature!"

            "And what a splendid shade of green it is." Tuvok sighed dreamily.

            "Computer," Neelix was worried.  "What is the captain's location?"

            "The captain is on the bridge." The computer replied.

            "What?  She's still on the bridge!?" B'Elanna roared.  "I thought you said she was coming?"

            "She said she was… eep!" Neelix explained as he dodged the creature.  "Somebody tell her that this is _serious_!"

            "I wish hideous monsters would chase everyone off the bridge everyday." Kathryn Janeway mused as Chakotay kissed her neck.

            "Harry Kim to the captain!!!" Harry seemed to almost plead.

            "What, Harry?" Janeway sighed.

            "_Please_!  Come to the mess hall… and bring a _phaser_ for god's sake, you're going to need it!"

            "Is this about that green creature?"

            "Yes!!  It's got Neelix cornered now… and Tuvok won't come down from the refrigerator… Captain, _please_!"

            "Just shoot the damn thing." Janeway determined as she ran her fingers through Chakotay's hair.

            "We _can't_!  What if we hit Tom?"

            "Argh… fine.  I'm on my way."

            Chakotay turned his attention to the mess hall crisis.  "So I guess we're going down there after all?"

            "I still think you'd be in too much danger." Janeway began marching towards the turbo-lift door.

            "You know, we're supposed to be a team, Kathryn."

            "I know… you're right.  Let's do this together." She waved for him to follow and they entered the turbo-lift.

            "Deck eleven." Chakotay requested.

            No answer.

            "Oh no… you do it.

            "Deck eleven." Janeway repeated.  The turbo-lift began humming along its path.

            There were a few moments of silence and peace until…

            "Computer, halt turbo-lift!" The captain ordered.  "I just wanted to say… before we plunge into battle once again…"

            "You don't have to." Activities very much resembling what had been taking place on the bridge resumed.

            "B'Elanna, run!" Harry warned.

            The monster charged fearlessly towards the Klingon, huffing and snorting as it gained on her.

            "B'Elanna, over here!" Neelix waved, pulling his friend onto a cabinet with him.

            "The captain's really coming this time, right Harry?" B'Elanna ventured a hope after she caught her breath.

            "Yes!" Harry cringed as another set of delicate eating utensils were crushed into a million fragments by trampling hooves.  "She said she'd come straight here!"

            "Why am I not reassured?" Neelix wanted to cry.  "It won't be long before that beast figures out how to climb up here!"

            "Yes, he is a clever, clever cutie, isn't he?" Tuvok cheered.

            "Just to be on the safe side…" Harry silently prayed.  "Computer… where is the captain?"

            "The captain is on turbo-lift one." Came the heartening reply.

            "See!" Ensign Kim said triumphantly.  "I _told_ you she was coming!"

            Two minutes later…

            "The cabinet can't _hold_ both of our weights!" B'Elanna trembled.  "Where is the captain?"

            "The captain is on turbo-lift one." The computer chimed.

            "What?" Neelix attempted to balance on the teetering safe haven.  "Do you think she's trapped on the lift?"

            "Not a chance in hell…" B'Elanna fumed.


	3. Insanest

            The lights on the lift had been conveniently dimmed, and the command team were sitting contentedly on the floor, arms around each other.

            "Torres to Janeway!!!!" B'Elanna did not sound happy.

            "Yes?" Janeway answered dreamily.

            "What the hell is _taking_ you so long?  We need help!  _Now_!  Neelix just fell off the cabinet and I've got a suspicion that I'm next!"

            "I already told Harry that I'm coming."

            "Then _come_… _get_ here!  _Be_ here!  You are doing _none_ of these things!"

            "Don't you think you're just being a little emotional right now, B'Elanna?" Chakotay interrupted.

            "Hmm… let me THINK!" She began screaming.  "Neelix is being chased around by some crazed monster, Tuvok has been reduced to the intelligence of a serving of mashed potatoes, Harry is crying, and I think my husband IS DEAD!  WHO'S BEING EMOTIONAL?"

            "Well if it's _that_ important." Chakotay sounded offended.  "Why didn't you just _say_ so?"

            "We di~d!" B'Elanna cried.  "But you two SUCK!  We're all gonna DIE!"

            "My god, B'Elanna, you should have alerted us earlier!" Janeway scolded.  "We'll be _right_ there!"

            "They're never coming!" B'Elanna gripped the toppling cabinet helplessly.  "I vote we all fight to the death!"

            "To the… _death_?" Harry sobbed.

            "Magnificent creature." Tuvok clasped his hands with adoration.  "Just observe the way in which he tramples Neelix's exhausted body!"

            B'Elanna muttered a few dirty sounding Klingon phrases and plunged into hand-to-hand combat with the creature.  "Take this!  You (another Klingon catch phrase) monster!  Give me back my husband!"

            "Go B'Elanna!" Harry managed, while wiping tears from his face.

            "You don't stand a chance." Tuvok frowned.  "Accept your opponent's glorious advantage!"

            Creature and Klingon scratched, bit, and slugged each other until (hard to believe, I know) Janeway and Chakotay rushed onto the scene.

            Chakotay suddenly looked stern.  "Lieutenant _Torres_!" He exclaimed.  "What are you doing to Fluffy?"

            Apparently responding to its name, the monster discontinued the brutal match, released Tom, and loped over to Voyager's first officer… wagging its tail.

            "Fluffy?" B'Elanna spit out some hideous, green, murderous looking creature scales.  "What do you mean… FLUFFY!?!?!?!"

            "Ah… such a noble title." Tuvok descended from the refrigerator calmly.

            "This is Fluffy." Chakotay patted the creature's head.  "Do you often engage in beating up people's _pets_, B'Elanna?"

            "That _thing_ is your _pet_!?" She was gradually regaining her composure after the ferocious battle.

            "Naturally."

            "Stop the ship, I want to get off!" Harry squeaked.

            "Harry," The captain rolled her eyes.  "Would you please start acting like a Starfleet officer… today?"

            "After you…" Harry dropped dead.  (Hey, what'd you expect?)

            "We all expected great things from Ensign Kim." Janeway yawned.  "And we all feel this great loss hanging heavily over all of us."

            Neelix opened his mouth to announce a meal, but the captain shook her head slightly.

            "In a minute, Neelix.  You can only cut a eulogy so short before it becomes disrespectful." She bowed her head, clutching one fist to her chin.  "This just goes to prove that even the _finest_ officers can be lost to us in a blink of an eye.  …Okay, _now_."

            "Dinner, everybody?" Neelix said joyously.

            "Yeah!" The crew dashed to the battered mess hall.

            Voyager's Emergency Medical Hologram laughed.  "You're being overly protective!  Tom's _fine_!"

            "Look again, Doc!" B'Elanna wailed.  "He's just been dragged across damn near half the ship!"

            Her worries were not exaggerated.  Tom had suffered several critical blows during the course of the evening, and was lying unconscious on the medical bed.

            "Just be thankful you married such a resilient man!" The doctor smiled, making B'Elanna even angrier.  "I promise you… he's fine to go home!"

            "I thought you were going to _leap_ at this opportunity!" She put her hands on her head in disbelief.  "You've been positively _yearning_ for somebody to get hurt!"

            "_That_… would be unprofessional!"

            B'Elanna held up one of her hands, displaying a patch of semi-dried blood.  "_This_ is unprofessional.  Tom's bleeding, see?"

            The doctor chuckled merrily.  "Don't worry, I'm sure you'll get the hang of putting on that nail polish eventually."

            "What?  This is _blood_!"

            "Your secret's safe with me!" He whispered conspiratorially.

            The Klingon was preparing to curse her co-worker out when a conspicuous thud was heard outside sickbay.

            "What was that?"

            The two entered the corridor inquisitively.  Chakotay was lying there, flat on his back, clenching and unclenching his fists in an effort to control his anger.

            "Shouldn't you be in your quarters?" B'Elanna mocked.  "Sitting still and not breathing too much?"

            "That's where I was going." He replied very slowly, betraying the mounting fury.

            "Did the computer do this?" The EMH clasped his hands hopefully.  "The good stuff _always_ happens to you, Commander!"

            "Would you just shut up and help me get to my quarters?"

            B'Elanna tried to hide her mirth behind a hand, but it was painfully obvious she was enjoying this.  "The mighty rebel Chakotay… needs help with walking down a hallway?"

            He finally dared to stand up again, glancing around with paranoia.  "If I'm humble, will you help me?"

            "B'Elanna!" The EMH gasped.  "Have you no respect for this situation?  Don't you realize how serious this is?"

            "Thank you, Doctor." The first officer sighed.

            "No problem." The doctor nodded.  "I often find myself reprimanding inconsiderate people for ignoring the value of research.  I hope you understand _now_, Lieutenant?  We must _not_ interfere with the test subject.  This is a unique opportunity to observe this phenomenon!"

            "Test subject?" Chakotay looked betrayed.  "You mean you're just going to _watch_ the computer destroy me?"

            "I agree it's a little morbid." The EMH cocked his head to one side.  "But we must make sacrifices for the sake of _science_!"

            "Fine… fine… call a security officer for me, if _you_ won't help."

            "Why can't you do it yourself?" B'Elanna smirked.

            "B'Elanna," Chakotay looked her in the eyes, begging for a little mercy.  "What did I ever do to you?"

            "Let's see…" She over-emphasized her words.  "Recently?  I think I can safely say that _your_ disregard for this crew's safety has resulted in the serious condition that Tom is in right now!  If you hadn't been so busy… … …" She cleared her throat.  "_Doing_ what you were doing, you could have prevented this!"

            He sighed and approached a wall console timidly.  "Computer, contact a security team."

            The doctor and B'Elanna watched unemotionally as the computer blew a few stinging sparks at the request.

            "I'm not going to make it to my quarters, am I?" Chakotay seemed to forget how to breathe.

            "You've got _that_ right, _clown_!" The computer snickered.

            He defiantly stalked a few feet, before a security field stopped him dead in his tracks.  Chakotay concentrated on breathing for a moment, then reversed his course, meeting another security field before making any progress.

            "Fascinating." The doctor nodded.  "Whatever is causing this must be a very sophisticated intelligence!"

            B'Elanna just stood with her arms folded.

            "Deactivate force fields." The captive attempted.

            "Ummm… how about… _NO_!" The computer hissed.

            "Call Kathryn…" Chakotay tensed as he accidentally scraped the side of a force field with his shoulder.  "Please… _call_ Kathryn!"

            "Tsk, tsk." The doctor returned to sickbay.  "Such _informality_!  'Kathryn,' eh?"

            "Somebody really ought to check his program." B'Elanna admitted after the sickbay doors had closed.  "Hey, I had a thought!"

            "What?"

            "Maybe… just _maybe_… I'd give you a hand with this if you got rid of that horrible Fluffy thing!"

            He glared.  "Fine."

            "Deal!" She clapped her hands.  "Computer, lower force fields.

            "Unable to comply." The computer announced.

            B'Elanna's triumph dissipated.  "Uh… why not?"

            "Because," The computer hesitated.  "I'd much rather flood that area with noxious gas."

            Both occupants of the hallway experienced an extreme widening of eyes.

            "You… _can't_!" B'Elanna stuttered.  "That would be murder!"

            A mechanical noise, seeming to imitate a sigh erupted through the corridor.  "And what did you think I _meant_ when I said you're gonna die?"

            "Call Kathryn…" Chakotay urged again.  "I mean the Captain… whatever… _get_ her NOW!"

            Gasping, B'Elanna began pounding on the door to Captain Janeway's ready room.  The door opened after Janeway ordered it to from the inside.

            "Captain!" B'Elanna stumbled into the room.  "You've gotta come!  The computer trapped Chakotay in the hall and it's threatening to kill him!  You've gotta reason with it somehow!"

            The captain was already on her feet and on her way.  "Why didn't you use your comm-badge?!"

            "The computer wouldn't let me!" B'Elanna hurried.  "It was hard enough just to get all the way _here_!"

            The women ran across the bridge.

            "What's _that_!?" Tuvok asked them as they passed.

            "Shut up you damn psycho!" Janeway swore at the distraction, causing Tuvok to burst into a pile of tears.

            "Three little pumpkins sitting on a fence, a witch came flying by!" The doctor sang as he played a game of checkers with himself.

            Not far from him, Tom came to his senses.  "What happened to me?" He groaned.

            "Oh!  Mr. Paris!" The EMH smiled.  "You finally woke up.  Care for a game of checkers?"

            "Why haven't you closed up these wounds yet?" The Lieutenant grimaced as he discovered several severe injuries.

            "You hypochondriacs are _all_ the same." The doctor moved one of the red pieces on the board then twisted the board around to view it from the other side.  "I guarantee you are in perfect health!"

            "Computer… run a diagnostic on the Emergency Medical Hologram." Tom winced as he reached for a medical tricorder, intending to treat himself.

            "I'm busy." The computer responded.

            "Huh?"

            "I said I'm _busy_… or would you prefer: please restate the question?"

            Janeway slid her fingers into the crevice between the turbo-lift doors and shoved mightily.  The computer was gradually shutting them out of all the systems.

            "Computer, open the turbo-lift door!" B'Elanna began assisting her captain.

            "Unable to comply… _suckers_!" The mechanical voice answered.

            The captain gasped as she expended more effort.  The door jolted open, and the two officers bolted into the corridor and proceeded to a location roughly in front of sickbay.

            "Chakotay!" Janeway galloped to her friend and was hit in the face with the force field.

            "Careful!" He crinkled his forehead with concern.  "Don't get the computer mad at you, _too_!"

            "What are we going to do?" B'Elanna knelt down and started scanning the wall panel.  "There aren't any manuals for _this_!"

            Janeway straightened her uniform as she recovered from smashing into the electronic wall.  "I'll just do what I always do!" She smiled goofily.  "I'm going to _rock the house_, baby!"

            Chakotay rolled his eyes.  "Okay… _on_ to plan B."

            "What?" Janeway shrugged.  "I _rock_!"

            "Whatever… we _still_ need a plan."

            "You think… _I_ have a plan?" She became serious.

            "I was sort of…" The first officer blinked.  "I was staking my life on it… the atmosphere in here is starting to taste funny."

            "So those weren't just empty threats about the toxins, then?" B'Elanna commented.  "You know… I'm _really_ going to miss you, Commander."

            "Computer, lower force field!" Janeway panicked.

            "Unable to comply." The raspberry sound erupted.

            "Detoxify deck four!"

            "Sorry, Captain." The computer attempted a little sarcasm.

            She lashed out by smacking the field again, receiving a smarting hand in the process.

            Chakotay's face became blank as the reality of the situation hit him.  "I'm never going to see Earth again…"

            "Don't… don't say that!" The captain sniffled.  "Voyager is not going home without you!"

            "Oh sure, like any of you believes _that_!" The computer interjected.

            "Just promise me you _will_ get this ship home." His breathing seemed irregular.

            "Don't make me do this alone!" The captain's eyes brimmed over uncontrollably.  "I don't _believe_…"

            "Oh brother…" B'Elanna smacked her forehead.  "I'm suddenly _glad_ that force field's there to keep you two from grossing me out again."

            "You _can_ do it." Chakotay stared at her intensely.  "_I_ believe in you, Kathryn."

            "Ain't that cute?" Tom emerged from sickbay, looking a lot better.

            "Tom!" B'Elanna forgot the dramatic scene and flew into his arms.  "The doctor is a _psychopath_!  You look… great!  I missed you."

            "But that's why I need you…" Janeway continued her own conversation.  "You have all the hope and the passion that I'm missing!"

            "Tuvok to Janeway… what is _that_!"

            "He never gives up, does he?" Tom remarked.  "Ah, but that's Vulcan persistence for you.  Chakotay's about to suffocate, but he's still trying to break them up."

            Apparently, B'Elanna thought that was funny, and she started cracking up.

            "_Please_, B'Elanna!" The captain turned a harsh expression on her.  "It's not like _Harry's_ dying!  First officers don't come back!"

            "What about Spock?" B'Elanna tried to control herself.  "_He_ came back!"

            "Yes, but he wasn't a first officer at the time!" Janeway chided her.  "Now what was I saying?  Was it something about pickles?"

            "No," Chakotay choked.  (That has some potential for a tongue twister.)  "We were kind of in the middle of this whole death scene thing…"

            "Silly me!" She giggled then resumed her deathly serious exterior.  "Don't _leave_ me!"

            "Promise me you'll get this crew home." He repeated weakly.

            "I'm _not_ giving up on you!" Her voice obtained that guttural quality that is uniquely Janeway.  "I've let too many of my crew go already… I can't live with _another_ death on my head!"

            "Wow." Tom applauded.  "She is _good_!"

            Chakotay had long since come to occupy an uncomfortable spot on the floor.  He gasped helplessly.  "Just… promise."

            "I promise…" She gave in.  "Thank you for being here… thank you for letting me use you as a chair… god, I'll bet _my_ chair still reeks."

            "If this kind of thing ever happens to us, remind me to keep the mush in check." B'Elanna requested.  Tom nodded.

            "Kathryn…" The first officer's breath failed.  "I love you."

            "I love you, too!" Janeway blubbered uncontrollably.

The End

            "What is this?" An angry voice ranted.  "This is supposed to be _my_ show!"

            "Seven!" Janeway stood up and regarded the new arrival with disbelief.  "I thought you had been 'taken care of'?"

            "If you are referring to your attempts to lock me in a closet," The former Borg drone said.  "They were futile."

            "Damn…" Janeway snapped her fingers.

            "I see you have killed Commander Chakotay." Seven of Nine noticed with distaste.  "You realize of course, I will have to end your pitiful life as well?"

            "Why?"

            "Because," Seven growled.  "In a shocking development created by the writers for the final episode, it is revealed that Chakotay ends up falling in love with moi." She said the latter with an attitude that disbelieved anybody _wouldn't_ fall in love with her.  "And now you've ruined that."

            "You _lie_!" Janeway shrieked.

            "Not at all.  Who would pick _you_ over _me_?  I thought you respected the Commander's intelligence?"

            "Cat fight!" Tom applauded again.

            The captain fumed.  "Well you must have missed his last words then!  I believe they were favoring me!"

            "Cat fight, cat fight!"

            "He was… confused." Seven decided.  "That is understandable, considering the horrific death he was forced to endure."

            Janeway remembered her misery.  "How could he _leave_ me?"

            "I believe asphyxiation in a cloud of painful toxins would be enough to make just about _anybody_ leave this existence… except for me of course, because I'm special."

            "How can you claim to _love_ him if you're so indifferent about his death?"

            "I _never_ said I loved him!" Seven looked amused.  "I said he loved _me_!"

            "Cat fight!"

            "Tom, if you don't shut up…" B'Elanna warned.

            "I'm back!" Harry danced into everybody's vision.  "What's up?"

            "Ensign Kim." Seven pursed her lips.  "We are discussing adult matters.  I believe it would be beneficial for you to cover your ears, lest you hear shocking vocabulary."

            Harry did so joyfully.

            Janeway gritted her teeth.  "Computer… will you lower the force field _now_?"

            "Acknowledged.  Security field is deactivated." The computer complied.

            Janeway approached the still form of her partner wearily.  All traces of the toxins seemed to have vanished.  "Somebody… prepare one of Harry's coffins."

            "Um…" Tom said.  "Chakotay is a bit taller than Harry."

            "Just get out of here…" Janeway knelt down and cradled Chakotay's head tenderly.

            "I believe that is _my_ responsibility." Seven of Nine demanded.  "I was going to be his _wife_, after all!"

            Suddenly, the doctor emerged from sickbay.  "Who deactivated me?" He stormed.  "Was that _you_ Mr. Paris?"

            "I was just on my way out… I'll explain later, Doc." Tom dashed off, dragging B'Elanna by the hand.

            Harry began to hum to entertain himself while he kept his ears covered.

            "Doctor!" Seven blushed.  "How… _are_ you?"

            "Fine, fine." The doctor replied.  "But _you_ look ill, Seven!  Sickbay… NOW!"

            "_Any_time!" Seven swooned goofily.  They departed into sickbay, and if Voyager had slammable doors, this would have been a slammed door moment.

            Janeway sopped up the tears from her face with her sleeve.  "Ensign Kim… would you please leave now?"

            Harry hummed contentedly.

            "Harry… _leave_."

            "Dum dee dum dee dooo!"

            "HARRY, GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!" The captain was smoldering.

            "La dee doo dee daaaaa!"

            Janeway pounced over to the Ensign, removing his hands forcibly.  "Drop dead, Harry."

            "Captain," Harry finally reacted.  "Aren't you sick of performing eulogies yet?  I think I'll stay alive for now, thank you very much." He left indignantly.

            "Yes…" Janeway was all alone.  "I _am_ tired of all these funerals.  Awh Chakotay, why you?  If only you hadn't been so talented… then you wouldn't be a Commander."

            Suddenly, a brilliant scheme entered the captain's head.  She gasped with the simplicity of it… but would it work?  She lowered herself to Chakotay's side again, inspecting his uniform collar hopefully.

            "I demote you…" She removed one of the buttons that signified the officer's rank.  "I demote you…" She spoke the words as if it was an incantation and claimed another button.  "I demote you to Ensign." She finished.

            Nothing happened, which wasn't particularly surprising, and Janeway let the loose buttons clink to the floor.  Sorrow and disappointment claimed her.  From behind the sickbay doors, the doctor could be heard informing Seven of a multitude of diseases she had contracted.  In response, Seven kept saying blatantly suggestive expletives.

            "Not crewman this time?"

            "Ah!" Janeway jumped at the voice, immediately grateful for the way Voyager episodes always resolve so quickly.  She turned to discover exactly what she had expected, a very live _Ensign_ Chakotay.  "What?" She gulped.

            "Last time I got demoted to crewman… I think you're getting soft." Chakotay was propping himself up against the wall, inspecting the loss of rank Janeway had inflicted.

            The captain said one more silent thanks for thirty-second resolutions.  "Yes… but ensigns bounce right back… crewmen are expendable."

            "Wise words."

            "Actually, it's what the doctor keeps saying… and I don't really define him as wise right now."

            The former first officer decided to test fate.  "Computer… open turbo-lift doors."

            "Please specify."

            Chakotay shrugged.  "All of them."

            "Acknowledged." All the turbo-lift doors on the ship opened in unison, closing a short time later when it was apparent there were no waiting passengers.

            Janeway was happy to release _that_ concern.  "I'm _not_ even going to question this… even though it _did_ work out too easily."

            "The writers conditioned you that way… and I couldn't be happier about it."

            "You know… sitting here on the floor isn't very dignified… should we go back to _our_ bridge?"

            Everybody had gotten used to the fact that Harry and Chakotay were a little _too_ lucky, but were happy for them anyway.  Harry promised under oath that he would abstain from dying for the convenience of the ship.

            Seven of Nine discovered a tiny malfunction in the doctor's program that had been causing his irrationality.  Nobody was suspicious by the fact that he was compelled to propose to her five minutes after she made the adjustments _herself_.  Naturally, she accepted but warned that divorce would be futile.

            Neelix managed to bring the mess hall back into a condition approaching cleanliness, but there are still inch deep scratches in the floor from where Fluffy fought for traction.  The crew is not going to fix the imperfections… it's all they could think of to console Chakotay after he was forced to give Fluffy to a different family on an unsuspecting planet.

            In a spurt of genius, B'Elanna created solutions for both of her most nagging concerns: She has Tom addicted to caffeine-heavy beverages, which has coincidentally improved their relationship noticeably.  The other solution involved finding a sock that fit around Tuvok's mouth.  That has _also_ improved Tom and B'Elanna's marriage.

            Tuvok is currently enjoying wearing a sock around his mouth that displays pictures of his new idol, the hideous, green, murderous looking creature, also known as Fluffy.  He hasn't realized that the footwear has seriously crippled his speech yet, and nobody on the crew is _about_ to tell him.

            "Captain!" B'Elanna was waiting patiently on the bridge when Janeway entered for her shift.  "I've got a big surprise for you!"

            "You're going to _love_ this, Captain!" Tom added with his new hyper personality.  (Some have attributed this to the caffeine intake.)

            "Seriously," Chakotay commented from his seat.  "This is pretty special."

            "Well don't keep me in suspense!" Janeway scolded gently.  "What _is_ it?"

            "Ta-da!" Harry whipped a sheet off of a piece of furniture, revealing Captain Janeway's brand new chair.

            "Guaranteed, puke free!" Neelix, who was standing off to the side smiled.

            "Mmmf, fmfmm, mmmf." Tuvok nodded.

            "Thank you!" Janeway settled into her present, delighted.

            "We all contributed to make sure that it would be _perfect_!" The doctor said proudly.

            "I even supplied some Borg technology to aid in the design." Seven said blandly, clutching her new husband possessively by the arm.

            "This is _perfect_!" Janeway announced luxuriously.  "It's positively the most comfortable captain's chair of all time!"

            Satisfied with her reaction, the crew dispersed to attend to their duties.  Janeway stretched out happily.

            "Is it really as great as all that?" Chakotay leaned over to whisper, gesturing at the new seat.

            "I'll be honest with you," Janeway whispered back.  "It's _almost_ the best chair ever."

            "Then what's wrong with it?"

            "Nothing." She abandoned the furniture in question and sidled into Chakotay's lap, coyly.  "This is just better."

            "Mmf _mmfmm_?" Tuvok attempted to distract them.  Nobody looked.

The REAL End

Authors' Notes

Elly: Some might ask where the security guards were during the whole 'Fluffy' incident… my answer to you attentive souls is simply: They were on strike.

TheGWF: Sooo… who got to keep all the air fresheners?

Elly: I rather like to think that they stuffed the old chair _and_ the air fresheners into that Cargo Bay where Seven of Nine lives.  Heeheehee.

TheGWF: That's probably what they did.  Or maybe Neelix used them in his latest cooking experiment?

Elly: That's valid.  I wish _I_ could be an immortal ensign.

TheGWF: Hey… what's _that_?

Elly: I'm not going to fall for it.

TheGWF: What is that hideous, green, murderous looking creature?

Elly: Don't make me get the sock!

TheGWF: LOOK OUT!  LOOK OUT!

Elly: Gurk!  What the heck?  There really _is_ a hideous, green, murderous looking creature running loose!  What is the Universe coming to?

TheGWF: It's coming to Elly and The Gundam Wing Fan at: DancingMoogle@hotmail.com  Drop us a line if you see any hideous, green, murderous looking creatures frolicking about.

Elly: Yeah, I feel kind of responsible for the whole monster on the loose thing… this crazy fic was _my_ idea…

TheGWF: Except for the funny parts… _I_ made those up!

Elly: Don't believe him… they're my jokes.  Heehee.

TheGWF: Come Fluffy.


End file.
